It isn’t fair

Well we had a board meeting a couple of weeks ago and I put forward a new proposal.

Any other business:

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1. Review of expenses – formalize the process.

As there is a recession and the winter is coming along, I thought it right and proper that Directors, (not the hoi-polloi) should be permitted a few official breaks as we worked so hard and no one else does. Goodness, we even have to turn up for work from time to time.

It just didn’t seem reasonable to me, that I should be expected to travel for an hour by car to get in to work, so felt that we should introduce a second home allowance for any Director who lived more than an hour away, by foot, as this seemed a reasonable commuting expectation.

My colleagues pointed out that most staff travelled in further than that. Mere detail I pointed out and carried on:

I proposed that the Company should pay for my furniture for my new home, along with cleaning bills, gardening, White-goods and electronic equipment and general upkeep, which of course if I had any tax liability, then  the company should pay the cost of this to my off shore bank account, as a ‘consultancy charge’ through my other shell company based in The Cayman Islands.

The open mouths that gazed at me told me all was going well so I continued:

Because I would be staying in a Second Home during the week, I think the company should pay my food bills, after all I had to fill the fridges and cupboards in two houses, surely they could see the sense in this.

I pressed on:

I think it only fair that as I am the person who is expected to suffer by having to have a second home, it is only fair that I keep the sale price of the home the company paid for, but I should have the option to decide which home I should be able to claim expenses on a week by week basis, just to make sure it was all value for money.

Well my fellow directors were getting in to the swing of this, I could tell by their ashen faces, in fact a couple of them began whispering to one another:

I then suggested we put this to the vote and I couldn’t believe it when the decided this was not a good idea, even worse an emergency shareholder meeting was called and I was kicked out.

Now to cap it all, I have been billed for the expenses I had been claiming for years. I went to talk to my solicitor and sure enough she confirmed, those claims were not against the rules. Nowhere in the rules did it say I couldn’t claim for having a weekly sauna, decorators, tax advice, second home, or even third home for that matter. In fact I could have claimed for a private jet and yacht as they were not against the rules.

It isn’t fair.

Oh and by the way, my new book ‘how to claim expenses – no questions asked’ will be out soon, published by ‘scum’.

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