Dear Gordon we the banks expect

Dear Gordon

you recall there was a little bit of a problem with that Building Society a while back that turned out to be worse than we all imagined.

Northern Rock

Northern Rock

Then you remember how you saved the world by using money you didn’t have to invest in us with that clever idea that you would then borrow that money on the open market, so we could lend you the money that you lent us, but only after we pretended we wouldn’t, so that the interest payable on the money you were after was higher than it would have been if you hadn’t lent us the money you didn’t have in the first place.

We then agreed to let some of our best people go on the pretext of incompetence, so long as they had handsome pay-offs.

Fred Goodwin

Fred Goodwin

But your team forgot about the Freedom of Information Act and all that pensions and payoff stuff came out and it made us furious, to the point that we stopped lending any money to anybody unless you came up with a better solution.

Then we had the wheeze of the pixie dust money we called quantitative easing, which was going to generate lots of money, so we could then lend out the money that you owed us that didn’t exist in the first place that we had lent back to you.

We agreed at the time that your lot would get rid of the FSA, but get them to come up with a ‘regulatory regime’ which would only last until they were disbanded and set up a new regulator.  We also talked about how by blaming other international regulators for not being as tough as you, then we could actually forget all about regulations and bonus rules.

We managed to trounce that idea of dividing our retail banking business from our investment banking business, but it was a close call and no thanks to that man Cable, who you told us you would get on-side with a cushty job, what happened there?

Vince Cable

Vince Cable

Now because we are still coming up with triple A rated piles of scrap-paper and are once again generating possible money using the superbly crafted auditing regulations, which we are not prepared to negotiate over, we are prepared to offer you some more help, but only if you are prepared to help us out of another couple of problems.

The most important being that some people actually believed the bit about us having reduced bonuses.

This is absolutely unfair. Because we have been able to make money out of our idea of Quantitative Easing which helped you, let’s be honest, in not loosing your job in May, we want to take out some real money in the form of bonuses before the whole pile comes crashing down.

Our second problem is that your investors (tax-payers), who need the loans because of the money you gave us, well they are still moaning about the fact that while BoE interest rates are only 0.5% we are charging them an enormous spread.

I think it is time you made sure that BoE interest rates rose and we demand to see that within the next 3 months. Your chaps can handle that I am sure.

In return, we will pay you back a little bit of money before the General Election and we will lend out a little more money to your investors.

In return we expect you to announce that you need to borrow some more money from us, but I think your phrase of Government Bonds is much smarter sounding. I know your boys are pretty good on the PR front and can spin this line pretty well.

Don’t worry about the Tories, we have them under control with their directorships, its your lot who are causing the trouble here and you need to remind them, they need us either to keep their seats, or to provide them with jobs next year.

Gordon, none of us are getting any younger and time is pressing and we have pensions to sort out later, so it is important that you get these things done in the next couple of months.

Oh and one more thing. If it all goes wrong and you need a job after the election, we are always here, well for the time-being anyway.

Chair,

We want our bonuses banking association

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